I have this uncanny ability to bargain with God. You know, like when He is trying to nudge you to do something and you want to tell Him about how you feel it wouldn't be a good decision at this time in your life? Like how it wouldn't fit into YOUR plans, because hello, my life is supposed to go EXACTLY how I planned it! I wonder if God just sits up in Heaven chuckling at my stubbornness.
My first bargaining with God came with our adoption. You see, I've always wanted to adopt. Ever since I was a little girl. But once Ariel and I started having children of our own, that plan was kind of pushed aside. Until one day, when our little girl was 1 years old. It was at that time that I felt God nudging me. I tried to ignore it, but it just got louder and louder. That's when the bargaining began. "But God, we already have 4 children! And H is only 1. And we don't make a lot of money. How will we afford it?" Despite my frequent protests, the nudge would not go away. Feeling frustrated and scared I finally told God, "fine, I will ask Ariel but if he says no then there's nothing I can do about it!!"
I'm sure you can guess how that went. And now here we are with FIVE beautiful children.
You would think I would have learned my lesson, but guys, it's happened again. Not too long after returning from the Philippines, I felt that old familiar feeling again....that NUDGE. This nudge was even more frightening than the first one. This time I felt God was telling us to MOVE TO THE PHILIPPINES!!!! "Wait......what, God???" How on earth could we do that? Now we have 5 children (and ahem, that was because of you). And we live in a cute house. And we have GOOD jobs. And our children are happy. And we are comfortable.
God's reply was quite simple: "But what are you doing for ME?" BAM, it hit me like a sledgehammer to the heart. What am I doing for Him? Sure, we live comfortably and we have things. But we only get one life and guess what? We can't take our things to Heaven. I'm always telling our kids that sometimes God calls us out of our comfort zones. Talk about going out of our comfort zones.....we will have to leave (and possibly sell) our house, we will have to leave our jobs (and pray that we will get them when we get back, but know there is a possibility we won't), we have to raise money to live there for a year since we will be volunteering, and we have to be willing to be spontaneous and go-with-the-flow, because I can't imagine much will go as planned on a one year missionary trip across the world with five children. If I think about all that could go wrong, anxiety and worry overtake me. That's when I pray and trust that God will get us through whatever. I try and focus on the things that excite me like volunteering in the AMAZING Children's Home that our son came from. They hope to have a hospice home by the time we come and I feel my heart calling me there. I used to work in a pediatric E.R. and deaths in there were always so sudden and left everyone an emotional mess. But I loved my job, and my faith in the Lord sustained me on hard days. I knew those children we couldn't save were safe in the arms of Jesus. Maybe hospice will be too hard on me. I'm emotional and empathetic. I imagine rocking a young one in my arms and singing "Jesus Loves Me" softly in their ear so they know of what lies ahead. But who knows....I'm crying while I type this so it's not looking too good.
Another thing that excites me is the anticipation I see on Ariel and the kids' faces when we talk about it. Ariel lived in the Philippines until he was 14 and the first time we went back together you could tell he was "home." He looked so at ease, ate SO MUCH FOOD, and enjoyed speaking Tagalog with others who could actually speak it back to him (the kids have taught me how to say beautiful, ugly, butt, and eat....where's the emoji eye roll when you need it). He's also pretty amazing with children and they always love him (except when he makes weird high pitched animal noises that make them cry lol). Our oldest son M, is excited "to be the first kid adopted from there who goes back and serves in the Home." The younger kids are excited to see the Filipino culture that is a part of them and they want to learn the language and see where their daddy and Kuya came from. Mostly though, I hope they learn more about being selfless and about trusting God. That life is about doing things for others and making memories and not about stuff. I hope I learn that too.
Anyhoo, that's our big plan. Our "nudge." We want to go when M graduates high school, so in about 2-3 years. Of course, a lot can change in that time so we will just wait and see. I'm done bargaining with God, and just to show Him I was, I bought our son Z a shirt that says: "Trust God and Chill."
So if anyone needs me, I'll be chilling..........
Pic of the Philippines
My first bargaining with God came with our adoption. You see, I've always wanted to adopt. Ever since I was a little girl. But once Ariel and I started having children of our own, that plan was kind of pushed aside. Until one day, when our little girl was 1 years old. It was at that time that I felt God nudging me. I tried to ignore it, but it just got louder and louder. That's when the bargaining began. "But God, we already have 4 children! And H is only 1. And we don't make a lot of money. How will we afford it?" Despite my frequent protests, the nudge would not go away. Feeling frustrated and scared I finally told God, "fine, I will ask Ariel but if he says no then there's nothing I can do about it!!"
I'm sure you can guess how that went. And now here we are with FIVE beautiful children.
You would think I would have learned my lesson, but guys, it's happened again. Not too long after returning from the Philippines, I felt that old familiar feeling again....that NUDGE. This nudge was even more frightening than the first one. This time I felt God was telling us to MOVE TO THE PHILIPPINES!!!! "Wait......what, God???" How on earth could we do that? Now we have 5 children (and ahem, that was because of you). And we live in a cute house. And we have GOOD jobs. And our children are happy. And we are comfortable.
God's reply was quite simple: "But what are you doing for ME?" BAM, it hit me like a sledgehammer to the heart. What am I doing for Him? Sure, we live comfortably and we have things. But we only get one life and guess what? We can't take our things to Heaven. I'm always telling our kids that sometimes God calls us out of our comfort zones. Talk about going out of our comfort zones.....we will have to leave (and possibly sell) our house, we will have to leave our jobs (and pray that we will get them when we get back, but know there is a possibility we won't), we have to raise money to live there for a year since we will be volunteering, and we have to be willing to be spontaneous and go-with-the-flow, because I can't imagine much will go as planned on a one year missionary trip across the world with five children. If I think about all that could go wrong, anxiety and worry overtake me. That's when I pray and trust that God will get us through whatever. I try and focus on the things that excite me like volunteering in the AMAZING Children's Home that our son came from. They hope to have a hospice home by the time we come and I feel my heart calling me there. I used to work in a pediatric E.R. and deaths in there were always so sudden and left everyone an emotional mess. But I loved my job, and my faith in the Lord sustained me on hard days. I knew those children we couldn't save were safe in the arms of Jesus. Maybe hospice will be too hard on me. I'm emotional and empathetic. I imagine rocking a young one in my arms and singing "Jesus Loves Me" softly in their ear so they know of what lies ahead. But who knows....I'm crying while I type this so it's not looking too good.
Another thing that excites me is the anticipation I see on Ariel and the kids' faces when we talk about it. Ariel lived in the Philippines until he was 14 and the first time we went back together you could tell he was "home." He looked so at ease, ate SO MUCH FOOD, and enjoyed speaking Tagalog with others who could actually speak it back to him (the kids have taught me how to say beautiful, ugly, butt, and eat....where's the emoji eye roll when you need it). He's also pretty amazing with children and they always love him (except when he makes weird high pitched animal noises that make them cry lol). Our oldest son M, is excited "to be the first kid adopted from there who goes back and serves in the Home." The younger kids are excited to see the Filipino culture that is a part of them and they want to learn the language and see where their daddy and Kuya came from. Mostly though, I hope they learn more about being selfless and about trusting God. That life is about doing things for others and making memories and not about stuff. I hope I learn that too.
Anyhoo, that's our big plan. Our "nudge." We want to go when M graduates high school, so in about 2-3 years. Of course, a lot can change in that time so we will just wait and see. I'm done bargaining with God, and just to show Him I was, I bought our son Z a shirt that says: "Trust God and Chill."
So if anyone needs me, I'll be chilling..........
Boy, Holly. I can relate. And as a matter of fact, your mother once said to me, "So you're going to stand in front of God and tell him you're not going into ministry because you can't find an apartment that will take your DOG??? :-)
ReplyDeleteHahaha!!! And look at you now! ❤️
ReplyDeleteI know this journey is in your future. I'm so excited to follow it when the time comes!
ReplyDelete